(Multicom Jingle)
(blues rock music)
- [Captain] We do have confirmation, sir.
The craft was spotted by radar in the northeast
quadrant of the city.
We don't have a definitive description yet,
but we know it's an alien.
Just got off the horn with the state department,
they're not so sure that this alien
poses any real threat to national security.
- That's good, very good.
- [Captain] Excuse me, sir?
- The street gangs are damn near taking over the city.
They're making the TWF look like a high school
ROTC battalion.
We capture this alien, it's a PR coup.
Public's gonna love it.
I want the city evacuated starting at 1600 hours.
- The (clearing throat) city, sir?
- The entire city.
- Sir, there are four million citizens in this town
and I don't know if we can mobilize in eight hours, sir.
- Earthquake.
We'll tell them the TWF seismologists are predicting
the big one for this weekend.
- Yes sir, but what about the gangs?
I mean how are we gonna convince the gangs to leave town?
- That's the fun part.
Any citizen giving us trouble, we just shoot.
We can always say they were looters.
It's a hell of a game plan!
We take care of the street gangs
and boost our sagging popularity in one weekend!
- [Captain] How would we--
- I want the alien mission kept secret.
If our troops mess it up, we don't need the press knowing.
Now let's get the ball rolling, Captain.
- [Captain] Yes, sir.
(alarm blaring)
- [Announcer] Please stand by.
- This will be our last special report
before we suspend broadcasting for the nest 48 hours.
True World Forces commander General HH Hayden
has ordered a total evacuation of the entire
three county area.
As of six p.m., the TWF will impose martial law
within city limits.
The TWF natural disaster unit has issued
a major earthquake alert, citing a 90% chance
of a quake of eight points or more on the Richter Scale.
For more information on this evacuation,
we go to the tape of General Hayden's address.
- Although this evacuation is only a precaution,
martial law will be in effect.
During previous martial law,
a certain criminal element has taken advantage
of the situation to rob and loot extensively.
Unfortunately this requires
the True World Forces to take immediate action
to protect the law-abiding citizens of this community
by shooting any suspected looters on sight.
I repeat, any citizens discovered looting
will be shot on sight.
- There you have a very stern General HH Hayden
delivering a serious statement and as you can see
people are following orders.
Metro freeways have slowed to a crawl
as residents leave town by the thousands.
Hayden is remembered for his use of martial law
during the 4th of July street riots.
Since replacing the National Guard four years ago,
the TWF has used an iron fist to keep political order.
- Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America
and all the UFOs in space!
Hey, this is Joe Blow your special radio friend.
The show is called Hits From the Flea Market
and I'll be broadcasting throughout another dead weekend.
I doubt I'll be getting many requests this evening
and True World Forces have ordered everyone,
I repeat everyone to leave.
No one's gonna remain in the city this dead weekend.
Anyway enough blah blah blah blah blah.
This next song "Velvet Dreams" by the Jenna Tortures
goes out to the woman with the big milkies
in the red convertible.
(rock music)
- [Woman] Evacuation alert.
(sirens whooping)
TWF, total evacuation.
- For the next 48 hours or until we capture the alien,
you will assume that any citizen remaining
out on the street is a looter,
and any looter should be and shall be shot on sight!
Are there any other questions?
All right men, good luck, and happy hunting.
Remember, this is the best opportunity we ever had
to get ourselves an alien.
Let's do it.
- Can you believe this shit?
(beeping)
- Uh oh, special report
coming in, we go now to Haywood Jablowme
in the news room, Haywood!
Thanks, Joe.
This just in, we have an unconfirmed report
that tonight the city is going to fall off
the face of the earth.
That's about all we have to go on as far as facts go.
We'll keep you apprised of that story as we go.
Back to you Joe.
Hey for those of you near a radio for that little lady
in the size four suede mini up in Spanish Town
we send out this lovely tune, Leslie West,
"Waiting for the F Train".
- Jesus and the the Mary Train, you gotta hear this man!
I got the True World Forces on seven!
Plug in seven.
(blues guitar music)
- Soldiers,
this is your commander, General HH Hayden.
This mission is the most important test
in the proud history of the true world forces.
I am personally taking command of all communications
due to the urgency and top priority of this operation.
We will circumvent and we will capture the alien.
We will not let looters get in our way.
TWF has a rendezvous with destiny
that is above the rest second to none
and will prevail!
TWF intelligence has just prevented me with a description
of the alien.
It was spotted and identified at 2100 hours
and was observed in sectors six, 14, and 22.
The description of the alien is as follows.
Female, five foot nine inches tall,
long, dark, straight hair, Asian in appearance.
You have 46 hours to capture the alien.
Be careful soldiers, she's from another planet.
(owl hooting)
- [Payne] What was that?
- [Weed] What was what?
- [Payne] That noise.
I just heard something.
Did you hear it?
I think it came from over there.
(radio chattering)
(dramatic music)
(breathing) (whimpering)
- [Payne] Can you read me down there, can you read me?
Dancer, please respond, what's your 20?
Dancer, are you reading me?
Dancer, meet me on the bridge.
(light guitar music)
(radio chattering)
- [Weed] I'll be back.
- You hungry?
- Nope.
- You're not hungry? - Nope.
- Well I think I'm gonna get a bite,
couple of beers maybe.
- [Weed] Maybe just a couple beers.
- [Payne] Weed?
- [Weed] Yeah.
- [Payne] Nevermind.
- [Weed] Nevermind what?
- [Payne] Well,
you got that look, you know.
- [Weed] What look?
- [Payne] You know, that dumbshit hound dog cum possum look
you always get when you see a girl.
- [Weed] Oh, that look, sorry.
(sultry rock music) (men hollering)
♪ If you wanna roll with me baby ♪
♪ You better roll rough ♪
♪ I ain't got time to rich no messy scene ♪
♪ I wanna burn good ♪
♪ Now if you wanna ride with me ♪
♪ Better ride rough ♪
♪ If you wanna ride with me baby ♪
- I'll catch you later.
- What, where you are you going?
- [Weed] Gotta get some air.
- Air?
What do you want air?
We got a lot of air right in here.
- Oh no, this is a room full of smoke.
I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air
and maybe mosey on down to section six.
- Weren't we just in section six?
- No, your Alzheimer's kicking in again, kid.
You're a little confused.
We've been to section three twice.
- Oh that's funny. - Catch you later.
♪ Now if you wanna drive with me ♪
(funky music)
- [Weed] You thirsty?
- My mouth was awful dry.
Excuse me.
- [Weed] What's your name?
- What's the difference?
- That's a funny name.
You want some pizza, what's the difference?
- Not yet.
Weed.
Thanks for the radio.
- How come you haven't left town?
- What's the rush?
We just met.
- [Weed] There's an earthquake coming.
- I heard something about it.
- [Weed] You're not supposed to be here.
- You gonna arrest me?
- [Weed] Maybe.
- You gonna handcuff me first?
- [Weed] Is that how you'd like it?
(moaning)
- [Man] We got plenty.
What are you talking about?
- Don't get him started again.
(all chattering)
- Hey, it's the rat pack.
- Cool it brother before they take the loot.
- We ain't looting so they ain't gonna bother us.
(guns firing)
- [Man] Good shooting, guys.
- [Joe] There is no quake.
It is all rock solid here in the city.
(dramatic music)
- [Man] Eat lead, sister.
(gun fires)
(grunting)
(rock music)
- Hey, Gonzo.
Yo, hey senorita.
Come over here.
Seen Weed?
- [Gonzo] I ain't seen him, Sarge.
- What's going down out there?
- It's going down, it's a good body count.
Got 12, 15 maybe.
Them looters are like cucarachas
and we're TWF, we're like DDT.
I'm telling you it's operations like this
that makes this country great.
- Absolutely.
- [Weed] Hey, aren't you scared?
- [Amelia] Scared of what?
- [Weed] The earthquake.
- What do I look like?
- You look good.
You look really good.
Now listen.
Something you need to know.
There really isn't an earthquake
and it's dangerous out there.
They're shooting looters.
- [Amelia] They?
- They, us, me, True World Forces.
- [Amelia] But I'm not a looter.
- Yeah.
How do I know that?
- Thanks Warren Buckley Weed.
You're a nice guy.
(bluesy music)
♪ Oh ♪
- Hey, dumbshit.
Where you been?
What, you get laid?
Huh?
Oh don't give me this innocent wide-eyed crap.
All right, you don't want to tell me, that's your problem,
but I know you, Weed.
- Really. - Oh yeah.
Yeah you will screw anything in a skirt
between puberty and death.
(laughing)
Very funny.
- Well maybe I just haven't found the right woman,
you ever think of that?
- So what are you gonna screw all of them, is that it?
- No, but I'm not gonna settle
for anything less than perfection.
- So you are what, on a quest for the perfect woman,
is that it?
All right listen.
You're out there doing a chick, we're looking for a chick,
you catch my drift?
- Like the crabs.
- Fine.
They have heavy artillery out there, did you know that?
Now if just perchance you've made a mistake--
- Whoa, okay.
It ain't her, okay.
- [Payne] How do you know?
- What's the description of the alien?
- Five nine, female, dark hair, Asian looking.
- This one ain't Asian.
- Well what did she look like?
- Hey, four a.m., still no sign
of the big bad earthquake.
Gee, I wonder where it is?
Hey maybe there ain't no earthquake coming,
you ever think of that?
Man oh man my Richter Scale is showing nada
but my bullshit detector folks is way the fuck
into the red.
- It's gone from bad to worse.
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
- Maybe somebody's putting something over on somebody.
This could be one of the big con jobs of all time.
Of course I could be wrong but nah, nah, I ain't wrong.
Hey if you're out there, if you're listening to me,
hey if you're the alien, female, five foot nine,
black hair, Asian in appearance, I sure would like to
dedicate a song for you.
Why don't you give me a call here at the station?
555-JBLO, the number 555-JBLO!
You are listening to the only station in the city
that plays six minutes of uninterrupted music!
- [Weed] She's not here.
- Yeah, so you say.
- I'm telling you, she's not here.
- Well well well.
Pizza and champagne, huh?
Still warm.
Yep, champagne and pizza.
You are a trip, bro.
- Works every time. - Yeah.
You see, I figure you're the kind of guy
who will jump into a pool before he checks to see
if there's any water, you know what I mean?
- Why is that, because I like to get laid
more than twice a month?
(breathing heavily)
- [Amelia] Hey, Weed.
You come back for more?
You like that shit, don't you?
- You gonna do it again?
I'm outta here, I am outta here.
- What's going on here?
- What do you mean?
Don't you love me anymore?
You only love me when I'm black?
- What the hell are you talking about?
- Shut up and kiss me, stupid.
- Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Listen, I thought you were different
but I didn't know how different.
- Different from your other girlfriends?
- [Weed] When you said you were here on vacation,
what did you mean?
- What part of vacation don't you understand?
Honey, sweetheart, lover,
would you please take me back to my hotel room?
I like this dump but enough is enough.
(helicopter whirring overhead)
Besides, I've got to start packing.
- [Weed] Packing, where are you going?
- [Amelia] Home darling, my vacation is over.
- What are you talking about?
There is a whole army out there looking for you.
They're shooting people left and right!
There's six snipers every block.
- But Weed, Weedy darling, that's why I have you.
(police radio chattering)
Oh.
Weed, are you with me, Weed?
- Yeah, I'm right here.
Look, I really should be getting back.
It'll be okay.
- Where are you going?
Don't you want to come in?
- No, no please.
- Amelia.
- Amelia, I know, I know, Amelia.
But if I don't get back soon they're gonna
report me AWOL. - AWOL?
- Absent without leave.
- And that's bad?
- It's not good.
- I guess you better go then, huh?
- I'll be back.
- I know.
Hmm.
(elevator dings)
(shouting)
- [Joe] Rise and shine, cops and robbers!
The early worm stays out of the stinky mouth of the bird.
It is day two of this most alien of weekends.
(slow rock music)
♪ There's a small shockwave ♪
♪ Turn into something long ♪
♪ Do you have blood ♪
- Where you been, Weed?
- [Weed] Just checking out a little action
up in section six.
- Yeah, yeah, uh huh.
- Gonzo, could you leave Weed and me alone
for just a second?
We have something to discuss.
- I'm sure you boys need to talk.
- Yeah.
So what happened?
- What?
- With the girl, who do you think I'm talking about?
Come on.
- Her name is Amelia.
- Amelia what?
- I never got that far.
- What is with you, man?
What are you doing?
What do you bang 'em first and then you get their names?
Where you going?
- [Weed] Look, you're not my father, all right tough guy.
- Come on, sit, I just wanna show you something.
Let me show you something.
Come on, sit down.
You know who that is?
- [Weed] Your wife, Donna.
- That's right.
That's right, that's right, that's who that is.
You know who that also is?
That is the only woman that I have slept with
in the last 20 years.
How do you do it?
- What?
- Your libido is out of control, man.
I walk down the streets three blocks with you
and we run into like six women you've had.
How do you do it?
- Practice, man, practice.
(rock music)
- For those of you who still don't know what's going down
I think we can safely say that the possibility
of any earthquake hitting our city this weekend
is extremely, excuse me, remote.
Now what we do know is that the True World Forces
have evacuated the entire city so that they
can track, capture, possibly even destroy
an alien in our midst.
So far dozens of people have been killed.
It's a sad and treacherous world, isn't it folks?
When a bunch of bullshit cops can evacuate an
entire city for their own private bullshit reason!
- You said it, motherfucker.
- And I say we don't let those fools
get away with it anymore.
- What are you saying, brother?
- You know what I'm saying.
- Well say it, brother.
- Oh I'll say it.
We're gonna find us some T mother W fuckers
and blow 'em another asshole.
- Right.
(tapping)
- Who is it?
- [Weed] It's Weed, open up.
(sultry music)
(sighing)
- [Amelia] Oh great.
- [Weed] Nobody followed me.
- I'm so glad you came back, I want you.
Come on baby.
- [Weed] Honey, slow down, slow down.
- [Amelia] I have no time.
- [Weed] Wait a minute.
- [Amelia] Oh god.
- On second thought.
- [Amelia] Fuck me, Weed.
Fuck me, baby!
(moaning)
- Oh, isn't there a problem?
- A problem?
What problem?
Weed.
Who am I?
- You're my little alien.
- Weed, I'm your alien.
- The one that we are all looking for.
- And why are we looking for me?
- Because you are from another planet.
- That's right, and did you ever ask yourself
if I'm from a different planet then,
what's the difference between your planet and my planet?
Well?
- I never thought about it.
- So, what's the difference?
- [Weed] I don't know.
- The difference is, on my planet
we get energy from sex and on yours you lose energy.
I mean, look at you.
Weed, you're half the man you were a few minutes ago.
Weed, doesn't it turn you on when I change?
On my planet it's how we express ourselves.
But don't worry.
Even when I change, you still know it's me by my kiss.
(moaning)
- [Weed] No, no, no.
- [Amelia] Yeah.
- [Weed] No, no, no.
- [Amelia] Yeah, come on.
- [Weed] Amelia.
- [Amelia] Weed.
(moaning)
- No. - Weed.
- No.
- Weed.
No?
- [Weed] Please, no.
- [Amelia] No more?
- Later.
- [Amelia] I love you, Weed.
- Sorry I didn't hear you, what'd you say?
(breathing heavily)
(mysterious music)
- So Weed, you gonna help me?
- What can I do to help?
- Are you with them or are you with me?
Take your time honey, that's right, take your time.
'Cause you know if you help me, there's no turning back.
They're gonna mark you.
They're gonna try to kill ya.
Just like you said.
There's a whole army out there.
I need you, Weed.
- [Man] Die looter scum, die!
(all shouting)
- [Woman] TWF rules!
- Hey, how you doing?
- [Man] Good.
- How's everything?
- Good, how are you?
- Keeping the peace, huh?
Good.
Listen, have you seen Weed?
- Yeah, your partner? - You did?
- Yeah, man, how's he do it?
- What?
- Last I saw him he was bringing a chick to the hotel.
- God.
(chuckling)
- Amelia?
Amelia?
- [Payne] Get in here, you idiot!
What the hell are you doing?
- I can explain.
You know how you're always talking about,
you know what I'm saying!
- No, I don't, no why don't you tell me what you're saying?
What are you saying?
- I think I'm in love with her.
- No, the word is lust!
Weed, the word is lust, L-U-S-T, lust!
Can't you,
let me explain something to you, okay, are you listening?
Now you meet a girl, you get a hard on for some girl,
that's called lust, all right?
You get this, is this getting in?
- Yeah, ah!
- Okay, now you meet somebody, you live with them,
right, 10, 15, 20 years, you have kids,
the good, the bad, and the ugly!
That's love.
- Now let me tell me you something, okay?
You think you know love and you think that all I know
is lust, well lust ain't the half of it, pal.
This girl, she's special to me!
- Is this the alien you're with?
You stupid--
- Don't you remember what you were telling me?
About what it was like when you met Donna?
How you knew you were in love and you knew she was the one?
Because she was the perfect girl.
Well that's just it.
I met my one, my special perfect girl.
This is her, and you know something?
You know how I know?
Because when I'm with her I feel like I could live forever.
- You moron!
Man you stupid!
Don't you understand what you got yourself into?
- I don't care. - Do you not get it?
Huh?
They're gonna kill her.
They're gonna kill her and they're probably
gonna kill you too.
- I don't care, I don't care! - Fine.
- All she wants to do is go home, Payne!
Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?
- She wants to go home.
- That's it, she's here on vacation!
- Shit, sounds like you need a vacation, buddy.
Oh man. - You know what?
You know one thing I know?
I am not gonna let them kill her
simply because she is a tourist.
- I need a beer, bad, I need a beer.
- [Weed] Where the hell's the justice in that?
- [Payne] Open the door!
- Look, all I know is that this city is in a crisis
and I've somehow been chosen to get us all through it!
And like all prophets, I'm probably gonna wind up fucked!
I'm not saying that we're bigger than Jesus as a person
or that God is a thing or whatever it is,
I'm just making a point.
Woo-hoo, yeah the Red Seas are parting and I'm coming down
the mountain carrying these stone tablets in my hand.
Yeah old Joe Blow is coming to take you home.
I'll keep you safe in your little camouflage pajamas,
kids, just watch your backs you little scamps.
- I found it, over here.
- [Joe] There you have it.
Joe Blow's heroes are out there, hot and cold,
big and bold, heart and soul.
We're all waiting for the shake to shake
but the shake is a fake, there is no quake,
it is all rock solid here in the city.
(guns firing) (rock music)
(gun firing)
- [Man] Look alive, alive!
Dead, dead.
Hey, this man's alive!
- What the hell is going on?
- Looters. Let's move it!
They're shooting back at us.
Body count's gettin' way out of control.
We've had two mass shootings in the last half hour.
- [Man] come on!
Come on let's shake it, man!
Get him!
(groaning)
- [Man] Oh god, it hurts.
- [Doctor] Yeah, I need 10 units of O positive, stat.
- Hey what is this?
- Shit's hit the fan, man.
Higher ups are worried it's gonna become
a full-scale insurrection.
- [Payne] Why, what's going on?
- Well it seems like not everybody was evacuated.
We're getting fired upon from every sector,
and nobody planned on that so there's no medivac.
Not only that, that fucking disc jockey guy,
that Joe Blow, he's totally obvious.
He's broadcasting all kinds of shit
to the looters and the alien.
- Don't tell me nothing.
- Hey listen-- - Hey.
This is war, Weed.
You can't be on both sides at once.
- That's what I'm, listen to me, that's what I'm saying.
(glass smashing)
I dunno.
- You wanna help her, go ahead.
You wanna die?
- [Weed] I wanna help her, I need to help her.
- You're sick, you're just, you're nuts.
- I've been looking for a woman
like this my whole life, okay?
- Fuck, look, this is your jugs, not mine.
And you put it some place and now you can't get it out.
I warned you.
Now whatever you do from now on, whatever you decide
that's your decision, it's not mine.
But I tell you this.
They tell me to shoot, I shoot.
- Why? - 'Cause that's the gig.
- Why?
She is just like us!
- No, she's not like us.
She may be like you but she's not like us.
- Hey, Weed.
Who's Amelia?
- You see?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- What a coincidence.
Some chick named Amelia dedicated a song to you
on the Joe Blow show.
- Hey Romeo, you know that's the 15th chick this week
that dedicated a song to you.
Ah.
- Hey keep those song requests and heavy breathing
coming in folks, we got 12 lines and no waiting.
(whistling)
Hey I think we got a call, y'all!
I thought you guys had given up on me.
You know how that breaks my heart.
Hello Mr. Blow's office, may I help you?
May I help you?
Yeah yeah yeah, go for it, go for it, go for it!
Hello?
- [Weed] Joe Blow?
- No, it's Sonny Bono!
Wait a minute, I'll go get him.
Hey Joe, it's for you!
Coming, Sonny.
- [Weed] This is Weed, you just played a song for me.
- [Joe] Hey Weed, what more can I do for you?
Yeah you wanna send a song out to your baby?
- Now you're sure she said that her name was Amelia?
- Mm-hmm, that's what she said, yep.
- [Weed] Did she say anything else?
- Yeah, she said a lot of things.
- You've gotta remember, did she say where she was?
- Listen, Weed, maybe you're new at this, all right?
Maybe I'll explain it for you.
You ask me to dedicate a song, I dedicate a song
and that's where our relationship ends, all right?
Now I'm not sure how many people are listening tonight
but usually it's somewhere in the zillions!
Every word you say is going out over the air
so what's the song, Weed?
Okay Amelia, this one's going out for you.
(rock ballad music)
Hey, looks like we got ourselves a little romance
blooming here, huh?
Girl and a soldier in wartime, ah!
- Captain, I want this Blow Joe off the airways.
He's a pain in my ass.
Find him and exterminate him.
- Yes sir.
- And for this TWF soldier with the big hard on.
♪ Midnight, guess what's on my mind ♪
(helicopter whirring)
(blues rock music)
- Honey, I'm home.
- Mmm.
- [Weed] How'd you find me?
- Well Joe Blow said that you would be at home.
- It's not safe out there, Amelia.
What are you doing?
- This is kind of a dump, huh Weed?
- Well I kind of like to think of it as the penthouse.
- Penthouse?
- I see you met the pigeons.
(blowing)
- Does it get cold in the winter?
- [Weed] In the summer it can be bad, you cook.
But at nighttime it cools off pretty good.
Must be different where you're from.
- [Amelia] We have lagoons.
- Lagoons.
- Yeah, lagoons.
- [Weed] What's the matter?
- Something's wrong.
The air in here.
I just, I keep getting drained of energy.
- Does this happen often?
- Usually I can go as long as a day or two
but now it's like every couple of minutes.
What time is it?
- It's 23:31.
- Well, this time tomorrow I'll be on my way home.
(sultry rock music)
- [Weed] Home, huh?
- [Amelia] Home.
Where we have lagoons.
- Not so far away.
(breathing heavily)
(moaning)
(sirens wailing)
(helicopter whirring)
(siren wailing)
(grunting)
- Very slowly.
Let's move over to that door.
- You talking to me?
- I ain't talking to the pigeons, babe.
- [Amelia] Mind if I turn around
or are you gonna shoot me in the back?
- Very slowly, very, very slowly.
Hot damn, you don't look like an alien.
- Oh yeah?
What were you expecting?
- I don't know, green skin or antenna.
- [Amelia] Mm-hmm.
- Look, you think we could do this
without waking loverboy over there?
- You're holding the gun, you're calling the shots.
(shouting)
- Holy shit, how did you do that?
- You ready to die?
Let's see, where's the trigger?
- Take it easy, take it easy,
this is how accidents happen.
- How's that?
- Look, hey, people who don't know their way
around guns shouldn't fool around with guns!
Somebody could get hurt.
- Somebody.
- Just, come on, don't, please.
- If I wanted to do the most damage,
where would I shoot you?
I mean if I had only one shot, where would I shoot?
Your head?
I shot you in the head, huh?
That'd be too quick, right?
Messy, too.
- Put it down, just put it down.
Ow!
(Amelia laughing)
- All right, little further down.
Your heart? (gun cocks)
Heart's pretty quick too though, right?
- [Payne] No, no.
- It'd be over just like that.
What if I shot your teeny tiny little prick off, huh?
- Not so tiny, I'm sorry.
- I bet it fucking is.
Are you married, Payne?
- Yes I am, yes, I've been married for a long time,
20 years, same woman.
- Yeah, yeah.
You wanna shoot me?
Go ahead, shoot me, but if you shoot at me and you miss
I swear to god I'll tear off your head
and throw it off the frickin' roof.
(dramatic music)
(choking)
- Amelia, stop!
- Make her put me down, Weed!
Weed!
- Please put him down.
He's my best friend.
- [Amelia] He was gonna shoot me.
- Weed!
- Amelia.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
(Payne cries out)
- Weed, that's very wise.
I've never heard that before.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Huh, course they don't.
- Sweetheart.
Two wrongs don't make a right,
it's a fucking cliche, everybody says it all the time.
- Not where I'm from.
- You all right, buddy?
What the hell are you doing here?
- You gotta bring her in. - Why?
- Are you serious?
She's the alien, buck.
- She's a lot nicer to me than you are, buddy.
- You two boys wanna talk this out, I'll just leave.
- [Weed] That's a good idea, sweetheart.
Just go inside, I'll meet you in there in a minute.
- Sure, we can do that.
- Or maybe just 30 seconds.
I think we're falling in love.
- Weed, you're banging the alien!
- I know you think that I'm out of my mind.
- You got that right.
- It's different this time, partner,
you're just gonna have to trust me.
I can't explain it but I know that you understand.
It's like, it's like our fates are somehow connected.
Come here, look, look, it's okay, come on, it's okay.
Look.
(mysterious music)
Oh Christ, not again.
- [Payne] Weed, what's going on Weed?
- I can't explain it,
you just have to go back to the canteen.
- [Payne] Hey whoa, what's going on?
- She changes. - Yeah?
- It's a long story, I can't explain it right now,
I need to go in there and talk to her.
Do me a favor, just go back to the canteen
and I will meet you there, I promise.
- Don't do it.
- I know you understand. - No, I don't.
- I really care for her.
- Which her?
What the one from five minutes ago
or the one that's in there right now?
- Her.
(sirens wailing)
- I'll see you back at the canteen.
- [Amelia] What's the matter, sweetheart?
(dramatic orchestral music)
- You really don't know, do you?
Honey.
Look.
See?
- Oh shoot.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I just, I can't control this.
I'm sorry.
(sighing)
Why are you looking at me that way?
- Well I didn't realize that you had emotions.
- Well why wouldn't I have emotions?
- You're an alien.
- That is the most racist, misogynist comment
I have ever heard!
Weed, I'm just like you!
- Come on Amelia.
- Weed, let me explain to you emotions.
Now maybe you never learned this in school,
but I think everybody knows that anyone who comes
from a planet that is mostly water has emotions.
I mean my god, I learned that in the first grade,
where were you?
- Hey, I'm sorry, okay?
What do you expect?
Every time I turn around you look like somebody else.
You keep changing, what the hell is that?
- Weed.
Weed, have you ever heard of QSS?
Quadra Synapse Syndrome?
Quadra Synapse is the glue that holds a super matrix
of DNA together.
You ever hear of DNA?
- [Weed] Yeah.
But not QSS.
- It's the last disease.
In about 20 years, all disease will be wiped out
from your planet, duh.
What do you call your planet again?
- [Weed] Earth.
- Well, all disease will be wiped out,
but if any human beings still exist
remains an open question.
However, should your people master their environment
without self-destruction, then quite probably
QSS will be the final disease.
- And you have this QSS?
Can this disease be transmitted sexually?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
Come on now, you're scaring me.
What the hell are we talking about, what is this thing?
- My DNA is constantly in flux.
At any time, anywhere, my appearance can change.
- [Weed] That doesn't sound like a disease.
- [Amelia] It's fatal.
- Oh my god.
- Well not right away but if I continue enjoying my life,
having sex whenever, wherever I want,
increasing my pleasure threshold,
then I'll be dead in say, oh 150 years.
- 150 years?
- 150, 160 more or less.
- Honey? - But that's on my planet.
I still have to get to the shuttle.
- What's the life expectancy on your planet?
- Basically forever.
Our leader is the oldest person.
She's 645 years old.
- 645?
- Maximum pleasure, minimum pain.
Don't let me die, Weed.
(rock music)
(moaning)
- Amelia you space temptress, your TWF man
is in your tractor beam.
(imitating beam)
If there's any justice in this screwed up universe,
you and Weed are loving each other right now.
Go for it kids.
(moaning)
(mellow guitar music)
- [Weed] Amelia.
Amelia?
Amelia.
- As you well all know we have sustained scores
of injuries and deaths.
140 of our finest and bravest men have fallen.
Intelligence has told us that one of our own
is in league with the alien!
Officer Weed is officially AWOL.
Worse, he's a goddamn traitor.
Our orders have now been amended to not only capture her
but him as well.
After a five minute court martial,
he'll face a firing squad.
If he gives anybody resistance, kill him on sight!
That's an order, Officer Payne.
Are there any questions?
- No,
sir.
- [Officer] As for that goddamn disc jockey--
- [Announcer] Repeat, warrant 107 seeking Officer Weed TWF.
Use extreme caution.
(muffled shouting)
He could be an armed renegade
possibly traveling with the alien.
- [Man] I think that sector's clear.
(siren wailing)
- Shit.
- Yeah, deep.
- How'd they find out?
- It's on the radio, dumbshit, it's all over the radio.
Joe Blow is given like this running comp.
The point is, what are you gonna do?
- What the hell happened?
Did you tell 'em?
- Hey, hey.
What do you take me for?
I'm your partner, you know that.
Now you listen to me.
I'm not gonna be a part of this anymore.
I'm not gonna kill my partner
just because he fell in love with an extraterrestrial, okay?
I mean an alien hunt, I can take that, that's okay.
But this, this is, they can kiss my monkey ass.
- You almost loosened a couple teeth there, partner.
- Where is she?
- I don't know.
What the hell you think I've been doing?
I've been looking for her, I don't know.
- What, she just comes around when she wants to get laid?
- Hey McHacker, where you going?
- I don't know, track down some coffee,
get some fresh air.
I mean the air is so stale in here
all my plants are dead!
- Hey could you do me a favor?
- [McHacker] What?
- While you're out there could you get me some gum
and some dental floss, mint, unwaxed?
- I'm getting out of here!
- If you're passing a liquor store
a light aperitif would go down easy.
- You oughta quit drinking,
you oughta get yourself a sponsor.
- Hey and be careful, the shit's really hit the fan
out there man.
- Yeah don't worry about it, all right?
I can smell them buttwipes a mile away.
(light music)
- Should be safe here for a while.
Listen, you still have that little junky radio?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well if I want to get a hold of you,
I'll do it through that disc jerky,
that Joe Blow, that 555-BLOW, all right?
- All right, wait a minute.
Payne, I just want you to know that this girl,
she's very sweet, I mean she's not like any girl
I've met on earth.
- Well I'll see what I can do
to get you back together, all right?
I know how much you like getting laid.
Now sit down and don't move.
- [Announcer] Repeat, warrant 107.
(cries out)
- What's in the bag, boy?
- Just cigarettes, coffee, and gum!
- Well let me see. - Okay.
- What's your name boy?
- Billy McHacker.
- What? - Where you going, Bill?
- [Billy] I'm going home.
- Nice suit.
Hey Billy, what are you so nervous about?
Don't you know this city is supposed to be evacuated?
Huh?
- Nice hair.
Just coffee? - I'm talking to you.
- [Man] Yeah that's it.
- Okay, give him the bag back.
- [Man] You know you're an ugly son of a bitch, Billy.
- I can go?
- Yeah, you can go!
But you better go straight home.
- You better not come back out here again
because next time we shoot to kill.
Okay bye Billy, see you Bill!
Hurry up, Bill!
(laughing)
Bye!
Man, this is gonna be great.
Hey what do you say we go down to the canteen, get a beer?
- Sounds good.
Listen to the radio?
- Yeah you know I never heard a guy get killed
on the radio before.
(laughing)
(gun firing) (screaming)
- Shit.
(laughing)
(upbeat music) (phone ringing)
- Yeah yeah, hello, this is Blow.
- [Payne] Okay just listen asswipe.
- That's what I'm doing,
what are you doing?
Thanks honey.
- [Payne] I need your help.
- Hey, I ain't the Red Cross, all right?
- [Payne] Hey shut up and listen, Weisenheimer.
Look I'm a pal of Weed's and I need you to help me
hook him up with the alien.
- How do I know you're not TWF?
- [Payne] I am TWF!
- All right, how do I know that you're not setting her up?
Or him, or her, hmm?
- [Payne] Look, I'm Weed's partner and I don't have time
to play games, now are you gonna help or not?
Hello?
Look, I've seen her!
You don't know what we're dealing with here!
- Okay, suppose you're on the level.
- Just listen to me, Blow.
She can change her appearance at the drop of a dime.
She's as strong as a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Look, there is no way that anyone can stop her.
The only reason nothing's happened so far is she doesn't
want to hurt us, you understand?
Look, I'm not doing this for her
and I'm not doing it for Weed.
I'm doing it for us.
- [Joe] All right, I think I got you.
- [Payne] Hallelujah!
- What do you want me to do?
This next song is a re-request of something
we played earlier this dead weekend
and it goes out to the perfect paradigm
of female pulcritude, sweet Amelia.
Remember the first time you met?
The woods, the water, the moon, the stars?
Come on guys, get together!
It's the one thing I love about this job,
bringing people that should be together, together.
Not gonna let an army stand in the way of true love, are ya?
Uh-uh.
- [Announcer] Warning, sector 17 is now clear.
Everyone caught in this sector is subject
to immediate arrest.
(rock music)
Warning, sector 17 is now clear.
Anyone caught in this sector is subject
to immediate arrest.
♪ Was to match mine ♪
(coughing)
- You don't think this is a paranoid universe, folks?
Alien comes here all the way from space
and TWF hunts her down like a rabid dog.
(gagging)
Now, that's good news.
(muttering) (coughing)
The alien.
♪ Tears in your heart ♪
♪ I wanna wipe them away ♪
(grunting)
♪ I would sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Sooner walk through a sea ♪
♪ I would sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
- Look, the alien, the alien, it's a classic story.
Girl meets boy.
Girl loses boy.
Girl meets girl.
Girl, boy, girl.
Girl boy girl, so girl and then girl and boy
go to another planet.
And we're safe too.
(helicopter whirring)
(alarm blaring)
- [Man] Halt, who goes there?
- Peckinpaw.
- Guns up, guys.
Sorry about that, we're looking for Weed.
- Isn't everybody?
- [Announcer] All sectors, we've just received a bulletin.
Weed has been apprehended in sector 11.
Intelligence is on its way--
- About time they caught that Weed.
- Let's go, sector 11, that's us.
Just on the other side of that park, let's go.
- You coming, Peckinpaw?
- I'll secure the area and catch up.
- All right, let's go assholes.
- She's over there.
I think she's sick.
Look, I can't hold 'em forever.
(sighing)
- Hi.
- The QSS is in remission.
I can feel it.
It's going away.
It's like a miracle.
Come over here and kiss me, come on.
(sultry music)
(moaning)
- I love you.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(police radio chattering)
(moaning)
Just take me with you.
- Weed, my parents would evaporate
if I ever came home from vacation with an earthling.
My people may be evolved, but you can't imagine
how prejudiced they can be.
- I don't care.
Listen.
I don't give a shit about prejudiced or evolving
or your parents.
Do you understand?
(wolf howling)
I only care about you and I only want to be with you.
(suspenseful music)
I lost you once and I don't want to lose you again.
(screaming)
- We gotta go, they're coming.
This one was a scout.
(whooshing)
- [Amelia] My ship!
- [Man] Surrender immediately,
repeat, surrender immediately!
Surrender immediately, repeat, surrender immediately!
(guns firing) (all shouting)
(rock music)
- We've gotta go.
(guns firing) (all shouting)
(grunting)
Payne.
Payne!
(guns firing)
- You love her?
- It doesn't matter, man.
It's all an illusion.
- Go.
What you got left?
Pride?
Weed, don't you know pride goes before the fall.
- Payne.
(guns firing)
(gun firing) (grunting)
(rock music)
(all shouting)
(groaning)
Amelia!
Amelia.
- Goodbye twice, pork chop.
Drop the gun.
- [Announcer] Stand clear of suspects,
they may be contaminated.
Repeat, stand clear of suspects, they may be contaminated.
- I came in peace.
Let me leave that way.
He means you no harm.
And neither do I.
You came to kill me, but why?
The difference between you and me is that you believe
you gain power from destruction.
I gain power from pleasure.
Think about that.
(groaning)
(whooshing)
(rock music)
(gentle rock music)
♪ There's a small shockwave ♪
♪ Turning to something long ♪
♪ Do you have a blood next to me ♪
♪ He is no longer home ♪
♪ The hurt on your face must have matched mine ♪
♪ I didn't have to guess what's on your mind ♪
♪ We're all a thing of love brick by brick ♪
♪ Trying just to find what's the cause of it ♪
♪ Don't know how it happened ♪
♪ Too bad everything changed ♪
♪ All the crying tears in your heart ♪
♪ I wanna wipe away ♪
♪ I would sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Sooner walk through a sea ♪
♪ I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Lose you and me ♪
♪ Occasion have found ♪
♪ Stopping the time ♪
♪ I'm feeling bad in my insides ♪
♪ My heart my heart ♪
♪ Falls to the floor ♪
♪ I suddenly know I'm insecure ♪
♪ Don't know how it happened ♪
♪ Seems like everything's changed ♪
♪ You're crying tears in your heart ♪
♪ I wanna wipe them away ♪
♪ I would sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Sooner walk through a sea ♪
♪ I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Than lose you and me ♪
♪ Lose you and me ♪
♪ Don't know how it happened ♪
♪ Seems like everything is changed ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ You're crying tears in your heart ♪
♪ I wanna wipe them away ♪
♪ Wipe them away ♪
♪ Now I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Sooner walk through a sea ♪
♪ I'd sooner walk through a sea of fire ♪
♪ Then lose you and me ♪
♪ Come on baby ♪
♪ I wanna wipe them away ♪
♪ Ooooh, oooh yeah ♪
(Multicom Jingle)